This week has been so hard. With allisandria at summer camp on some of he mornings these past two weeks I though things would go smoother. Wrong. My weeks filled up so fast with othe activities that I soon found myself neglecting things at home. One being my husband. I have been so stressed and moody running the girls around, dealing with a three year old temper tantrums, never ending dishes and other motherly duties that I find myself bein extra short and grumpy with him. If you ask him he will say that that is probably me all the time. But this week especially. I am exhausted and annoyed from the days events that I snap at him or don't even talk to him much at all. Horrible! He should be the first one I run to or should be ableto talk to when I am stressed. I love him and I need to be the woman he married not the ugly evil twin sister.
Next I have my sweet little allisandria. Three years old. Those could be the only words I say but I need to talk about how horrible I am being. Sure she does things I constantly ask her not to. Yes she tells me "no" and "why" after every flippen thing I do but that will continue to happen regardless the punishment. I went to timeout in the corner to soap in the mouth to cold showers to hot sauce and now I am counting to "3" and swatting her bum and mouth. The "3" thing is working most of the time and I find myself thinking before I react when I have time to count to three thus I am not as violent. I don't want to spank or swat her bum unless absolutely necessary cause I don't want that. I want to teach her with having more patience and trying to talk to her more about the reason instead of just reacting. I don't want her to fear me cause she is gonna get hurt I want her to fear me cause she doesn't want me mad at her. I just feel like I am failing her completely and I am so stinking exhausted it makes I hard to look forward to a new day because I anticipate he negative instead of looking for ways to make things better. I am totally annoyed with myself.
Next I have work work and work. That is the hair biz the clothing biz online and the boutique in scottsdale. Stress case. I still love sewing and making things but it is hard when I am so busy that I feel like I don't have time to sew for myself. I love I so much that I do it pretty much everyday. And that is fine but finding a good balance is hard. I am constantly tryin to find a better work schedule. It's hard. Hair biz is good although I lost some clients because they can't seem to adjust to my mother first way of life. Sometimes I have to cancel and reschedule and they don't seem to understand. That's why I tell them all the time Saturday's are the best days cause Dave is here to help out with the girls. When I'm by myself I theyre sick I'm out of luck. It frustrating.
I know what I need to do more of is get down on my knees. Pray more. Today I got out my wheat grinder to make some wheat and t wouldn't turn on. I tried resetting it and nothing. I almost started cryin cause this crap always happens to me. So with the girls eating lunch I stood there and folded my arms and said a prayer. Pia asked what I was doin and I explained I was praying for the wheat grinder to work so I could make bread again. Later when Dave got home she was sitting at the table and she was quiet. Dave asked her what was wrong numerous times. She finally said she was praying. Funny! I'm glad she. Caught on. Sweet. So I know I need to do that more in order to have the strength I need to face my three year old everyday. I just need more breathing room. Not all this constantly checking my schedule for things. I can't committ to anything without looking in my calendar and I hate that. I just want to clean my house and relax and enjoy it after I do it. Not because I have an hour before my next scheduled appointment or cause I have errands to run. I wanna sit and read well finish my book. Without feeling like I should be doing something more productive. I am suffering from total anxiety and I feel like I am being pulled in a million different directions and I am not being the best self I can be. I am not doing things all the way cause I don't have time to before my next thing. I need to follow my dr. Advise and pull back out my giant calendar and organize my activites chores work and even spare time until I feel like I had my life balanced. I am not balanced and trying to get there is really hard. I know I can do it. I just need to try harder.
Thanks!
Tricia
Sent from my iPod
Hey! Thanks for the honest post. I sympathize with you. I might not fully understand the pressures and stresses of motherhood, but I know what it feels like to feel like your being pulled in so many directions, it feels like you can't breathe. You can't relax because you are so wound up. Sounds like you are trying to do it all, but sometimes we just can't do everything we want to. My advice? Make a list of the most important things, and schedule those first. This INCLUDES time for yourself to relax and do the things that refocus and bring calm to you. Then look at the rest, if it doesn't all fit in... then make some decisions. It may be hard. But your happiness and the hapiness of your family is more important than a lot of the activities we feel we have to do. Trust me, I'm preachin to myself here becuase I've had to do this several times in the past couple of years. Hope that helps. Again, thanks for venting or sharing on here. I was kinda feeling sorry for myself today and it helped me realize I'm not the only one and we all have our challenges and strenghts. You're a tough girl! You'll figure it out: ) Much love.
ReplyDeleteJessica Hedgepeth
Balance. It's the lesson we're all trying to learn. Instead of yelling at Sadie yesterday I kept quoting, "This is my work and my glory; to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." Essentially, this scripture help put eternal perspective on how and why I should show love to my child. Only I kept repeating it so often I would have sounded crazy if anyone else heard me. Hope it helps you too. We all need the Lord's help. Love you!
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